Blog 4: Finding my Voice (Part 3)
“I have frequently been questioned, especially by women, of how I could reconcile family life with a scientific career. Well, it has not been easy.”
Marie Curie
My family is a major influence on my ‘Voice’. Having two sons was/is the greatest blessing of my life. Although when we were married, we were not sure that we wanted children, we later decided we wanted children. When our first son was born after a difficult pregnancy, he was a miracle baby and just beautiful! Two years later, we welcomed our second son and you wonder is it possible to love the second one as much as the first. Oh yes, you can love both and they brought us great joy (sometimes challenges).
I need to note that my life was a privileged one. Both my husband and I were university professors and the academy offered flexibility for taking care of our sons. We also were able to hire household help for cleaning, childcare, and general support. This writing reflects that privilege and isn’t true for women in the lower socio-economic levels of our society.
I should also note that my husband, Joe was very involved in all aspects of family life. He was as much a father and spent a lot of time with our sons, as I was a mother. One example – over time we became a team – I did the cooking (I loved to cook) and he did the cleanup afterwards. Daniel and Travis helped with both, as they got older. We had this belief that anyone that lived in our house had responsibilities, as we were all busy.
We had a wonderful woman that cared for our sons – we called her their Stillwater grandmother. When they were old enough, they went to the Child Development Laboratory (CDL) on campus. With the CDL located in the building right behind our offices, it was easy to all go to work and school together in their younger years. It seemed like that morphed into an integrated life between family and career. It wasn’t always easy, but the integration made it more doable.
Daniel and Travis often went with us to campus activities. The students loved them, and since they left their own brothers and sisters at home – it gave them a chance to play with younger kids. Our sons were so blessed by knowing the African and Asian students, the student with a physical handicap, the black students, the gay students… – it gave them a perspective of the rainbow of God’s children on this earth.
When they were young, one answered the phone and talked for a couple of minutes, then hung up the phone. We asked who had called and he said, well, they asked for a Dr. Weber and I told them that no one lived here by that name. To them, a doctor was a medical doctor and we didn’t fit that description. We had to explain then that we were both doctors and they would need to ask which Dr. Weber.
Although we had household help for many years, when our sons were junior high, we felt it important for them to participate in the house keeping so we cancelled the help. Joe would try to make it fun, saying it was time for a cleaning party. We had a jar with the different tasks and we would all draw out our task (I hated it when I got bathroom cleaning) and that was our party!!!
When the guys were in high school and junior high, we read S. Covey’s book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families” and decided to develop a family mission statement. This was a time of deciding together who we wanted to be as a family and what were our goals. One question that was raised specifically related to my work was about my traveling. They asked if I could travel less and be at home more – I reviewed my travel and decided what was critical for my position and what was important, but not necessary.
At one point, we also took care of my husband’s parents. My mother-in-law had dementia and when my father-in-law took ill, we decided the best plan was for them to move in with us. That was a challenge for all of us! The boys shared a room and didn’t like having to do that. They also took on more responsibilities at home and early on that was very difficult – once we had the conversation about what should we do with their grandparents and looked at the options, it became easier since we all agreed that taking care of them in our home was the right thing to do. Colleagues told me that I might loose my administrative position if I wasn’t careful! So the challenges came from family and work.
Joe and I often had very different views about life, child rearing, faith, politics… We shared our differences, so Daniel and Travis knew that we didn’t always agree. We thought it was healthy for them to know that we could love each other but have different beliefs. We hoped that it also suggested that each of them could explore and have beliefs that might differ from our beliefs.
Just a few of my memories:
Folders in my office that were labeled in their young handwriting
Being a mother of debaters that made tons of chili for the debate tournaments
Watching intermural basketball
Going to swimming tournaments
Having high expectations for their performance and questioning grades when we knew they could do better
Taking them with us on our business travel
Vacations with times at the shore, seeing the Statue of Liberty and Washington Crossing to name a few. Seeing the wonders of this land through their eyes.
Parent – teacher meetings
Dry sense of humor that kept us laughing
Preparing for and attending Leadership Training for Christ
Building with Legos and making train villages
Friday night pizza-making dinners
Playing games
Difficult conversations about life, alcohol usage, race, activities, and expectations
Setting up banking and checking accounts; deciding on the amount of money they needed for clothes, lunches, activities
Being told that I must have Alzheimer’s since I couldn’t always remember
Running to the Dr. with injuries and getting stitches, fixing broken bones
Career decisions – following your heart
Anne Marie Slaughter says that women cannot have it all! She suggests that either the career or the family suffers. Other research suggests that one career or the other can progress at a time. And what does this indicate for the single parent careerist? I have always felt that one can have a fulfilling career and successful family life – there is give and take! And life is different with two careers, yet it is the reality for the majority of families today. There isn’t one recipe for integrating family and career!
A former colleague just this week sent me a note asking for advice as he and his wife both have challenging and fulfilling careers while raising two small little children. He asked for best practices and said it was so difficult for them. He was thinking about a move into a more challenging leadership role but wasn’t sure how it would work for them.
How have you balanced family and career? Share some of your struggles and joys!
Career, children, family, Influencing Voices, Leadership, voice, women