Blog 6: Allowing others to find their Voice
God has given each of us a gift from a great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.
I Peter 4:10
Society and the media gives us so many mixed messages today! We can have it all – the career, climb the ladder, the family…..! And then we hear that “no”, it isn’t possible – you must choose! The family or the career? We hear this from family, friends, the community, faith communities and the media. What is a woman to do (or for that matter, men – although we don’t talk about it with men)? Choosing the path for our lives is critical for our Voice to flourish.
When our oldest son was about 12, he came home one day and said he felt sorry for his friend’s mother. I thought that was a curious statement and asked him why. He said, “Well, she doesn’t do anything!” I realized that he was talking about her being a stay at home mom. Quickly, we talked about “not doing anything”. Moms work and work hard who make the decision to stay home. I also wondered what message I was sending to our young sons and how they were absorbing the message about families and careers.
How do you make the decision about life balance? Will you be the stay at home mom especially while the children are young or will you decide on the career and perhaps no children? Or trying to combine career and family? There are many aspects to the decision and the pressures are great. If you do choose a career outside of the home, who will teach your children their values – would the values from child care be the same that you would teach and instill in those early developing years?
A recent research study found the following for moms that work inside the home and those that work outside the home. It seems you are criticized for any choice you make and that criticism is internalized too often that makes one feel less than. It takes away your Voice.
Working MomsWorking outside the HomeWorking at HomeHalf want to stay home but need extra incomeHalf want to work but can’t afford childcareFeel guiltyFeel guiltyPartners: You don’t spend enough time with childrenPartners: You don’t pull your weight
In this study, you can see that both the moms feel the tension between being a fulltime mom and working outside the home. The economics of our society today sometimes forces women to work outside the home when they would prefer to stay at home. And it seems both groups of women feel guilty. They feel guilty that they aren’t home to provide the love and care to their little ones and they feel guilty because they are staying home – are they contributing enough to the family. The women indicated that their partners felt they either were or were not contributing enough to the family, either economically or with their time.
How do you make the decision to combine family with career or to be a stay at home working mom? It is a difficult decision and can have ramifications that one doesn’t realize until much later in life. It is ultimately a family decision as well as a personal decision. A woman needs to have a major role in the decision process. We have one life, just one! Whatever we do, it means “being in the present”, aligning our choices and having meaningful life choices.
I would like to share the stories of two special young women – our daughter-in-laws – and their families. Heather, the mother of three lovely little ladies, is a stay at home mom and loves being a wife and mother. She knew she wanted to be a stay at home mom, but after the birth of their first baby, her work called and asked if she would come back. She said she loved her work and decided since family could keep the baby, she would go back to work. After the birth of their second baby, she decided she was going to stay at home. She has continued to be a stay at home working mom. The oldest two are in school all day now. She takes inordinate amount of time with her girls and plans lots of activities for them loving on each one of them.
Heather has a leadership role with her local MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) group and enjoys the interactions with other moms and the opportunities for her little ones to play with other children. She works part-time at a Child Development Center where her 3-year-old goes to pre-school. The decision to be mainly a-stay-at-home mom is a big economic one and means they live on one income, which can be hard today. Their goal was to always have one parent at home with their little ones. At the present, she is following her heart and is supported by Daniel, her husband.
Harmony, the mother of a year old baby, combines her home duties with a career as a Chaplain in a hospital setting. She is a great mother and FaceTimes with her little one while she is pumping at work. Harmony enjoys interacting with patients and their families as they are facing some of the hardest challenges in life.
At this stage in their family, while Travis is pursuing his doctorate, it is their life. Harmony says that she would prefer to be able to be home with their one year old while she is so little, but they are working toward a goal. After being in the Peace Corps and returning to the states, their goal was to start a family and continue education. She probably isn’t following her heart at this stage of their family life, but it is a decision they made early in their marriage so that Travis could go back to graduate school and they wouldn’t have to take on a lot of debt.
Each has chosen roles in life according to their gifts and family goals – they use them well and find opportunities to enjoy their families. Both struggle with finding their own time, given the age of their children. Heather shared that once in awhile but rarely she will be asked if she gets bored or it will be mentioned that families need two incomes.
There is a stereotype that it is either fulltime or stay at home. Women today have many options available to them. They can be fulltime careerists or fulltime stay at home moms, but there are also other options. One can work from home and/or work part-time.
It is critical that we support women at all stages of their lives in pursuing their goals and living in alignment with their gifts. Let us listen to their stories, learn about their choices, live with them through their decisions, and lead our lives in respect, love, and nurturance.
How did you make the decision about family and career? How do you support others in their decisions?